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Litlte Rock, Arkansas
June 17, 1990     Arkansas Catholic
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June 17, 1990

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PAGE 3 ARKANSAS CATHOLIC JUNE 17, 1990 "Curran," from page 2 .... i According to Roger Barkin, author ii0f The Father's Guide, part of the ~/father's empty nest loss may be due to Pray for us sinners... the growing awareness that nurturant ~fathers get more satisfaction out of~ parenting than fathers who view their iprimary role as breadwinners. Ten years Antoinette Bosco always liked the fact that Father's Day falls in June each year. My father's birthday was June i~ g , these dads may not have experi- 1 and, in my ~:enced regret, Barkin said. Only now are imagination, I i they discovering what they missed, believed the Interestingly, the mothers studied by month had been ~Barkin found the empty nest freeing, selected in honor IMost worked outside of the home by of my father. '~choice. "Many of the mothers said it's He left this ~neat now; I have more time to myself, world four-and-a- '~fo " " . , half years ago and ~ re prwacy, Barber said. Mothers I still have a hard . i ~ !(had a sense of 'mission accomplished.' ...... ~::~5 i~They didn't mean they would stop time saying my ~ father is dead. raothering but direct day-to-day respon-That's probably because he is still So alive I sibility was over." i It's sad whenever we find it's too late in me and my brothers and sisters. Just about every day of my life I find [~ to be the kind of parent we wanted to myself repeating, "As my father used to ii~ be, but this study has its hopeful side. say." What he taught me had a deep !'iIf fathers are beginning to express on my i~tegret at passing up closer interaction impact beliefs and values. l~iMth their children at formative times la their young lives, other younger fathers might heed their warning. They ht examine their priorities, realiz- ~g there's less time with children than ~ey realize. ~ Robert Bly, poet and philosopher, ~helieves that men's pain is based on !grief over the loss of a relationship with itheir own fathers. He explains that in earlier times when boys worked long who s.,fe e, mo t [ Vere the ones who were "gone the most when the thildren were younger. hiars alon side their dads, a deep ,, g chment took place which served | tern both well. All of that ended with Industrial Revolution. ) 'VThen fathers become absent, by ~Cessity, choice, OrecTsO~e,2m~t~anlhY," ~"~tce excused by n ty Rent weakens and men long for it their tire lives. When they try to develop I' adult attachment to their too-busy thers of childhood, it's often too late. I qhere gender roles are rigid and tm spends too much time with chil' i ,en and dad not enough, it's reason- that women wil! feel freed by the l.pty nest while men can feel betrayed ~/it. He had a great reverence for learning, perhaps because he himself, with his brilliant mind, had only gone through third grade. He was born in southern Italy in poverty, and by age 13 left home to wend his way through Italy and France to America. I still can't imagine how he did this in 1915, when Europe was being ravaged by war. It took him three years, but he made it. He used to say to me, "Antoinette, they can take away everything, but they can't take away your education." He was Care- ful to make sure that I understood the difference between book learning and education. In Italian there are two words that spell out the difference. Istruito means book learning and educato means that one had become a gentleman or gentlewoman. I was to be educato, he said knowledgeable, and always kind, con- siderate, respectful of self and others - mature. Fr. John Dietzen an a Catholic serve as a justice of the peace? We are aware of two or three Catholics who are justices of the peace and it is the opinion of our group that this is not pos- sible. The Catholic Church does not recognize justice of the peace weddings. So should Catholics be performing this service? You and your group are confused on a lot of points. First, the Catholic Church does recog- nize marriages by a justice of the peace, judge or any other civil official, unless one of the parties is a Catholic bound a life span of 80 years, childhood SUmes a mere fourth. Mostcouples live more years together w~thout !ldren than with them. Regrettably, ~se are the very years men are striv- i! g the hardest to make their mark on Career ladder. there's no second chance. Chib will grow up while fathers are physically or emotionally. And Will leave home when fathers are to spend postponed time with It's understandable, then, why i ers express loss at the empty nest. t 99o att hi, co. My father also used to say, "If you have your health, you have everything," and the explanation that went with this was non-negotiable. Never was I to set money, fine clothes or position as my goals. I was to strive for health in body, mind and soul. All we need, he would tell me, is a place to live, good food to eat, de- cent work to do, concern for others, a clear conscience and a loving family. If we had that, we had all one needed to be worthwhile and happy. I have become convinced as.I've grown older that the blessed people of this world are the ones who have had healthy, lov- ing fathers. It has become a kind of habit of mine when I get to know people I consider well balanced and educato to ask what kind of a father they have. Without exception, it turns out that they had a father who left them a great legacy of self-esteem and values. And always they respond to my ques- tion by starting, "My father always used to say." A professional harpist once told me her father always said, "As a man thinketh, so The blessed people of this world are the ones who have had healthy, loving fathers. he is. What your mind conceives, you can achieve. The first step is always in your head. And never forget, as you sow, so shall you reap." His emphasis on thinking positively helped her get to the top of her profes- sion and later overcome the tragedy of losing a husband by illness and a mother in an accident, both within a short time. I have read that it is the father who is essential in communicating self-esteem in daughters. For sons he is the essential role model, communicating what manli- ness is. I am convinced that is true, and lucky are we who had such fathers. Copyright 1990 CNS by Church law to be married before a priest. Second, even if a Catholic should come before such a civil official to be married in violation of the laws of the Church, the official would be acting properly and morally in marrying them. As a friend, a civil official might counsel such a person (if the official knows it is a Catholic acting against Church law) about the religious impli- cations of what is being done. But the official is acting properly and morally when officiating at such a marriage ceremony, even if the Catho- lic partner may be acting against Church regulations in entering such a marriage. (A free brochure explaining Catholic teach- ing and practice on annulments is avail- able by sending a stamped self-addressed envelope to Fr. John Dietzen, Holy Trinity parish, 704 N. Main St., Bloomington, IL, 61701.) 99o c2s Dear Editor: Hundreds of pilgrims prayed the rosary ms they walked the ten miles from Juigalpa to Cuapa, Nicaragua's Marian shrine. The Cardinal-Archbishop of Managua celebrated the Mass to Mary, Queen of Peace on this tenth anniver- sary of the reputed appearance of The Virgin to a local man of humble ori- gins by the name of Bernardo. Meanwhile, only 25 miles away, the Contras are concentrating their forces in cease-fire zones where they should surrender their weapons to U.N. peacekeeping troops by June 10th. If this indeed transpires, let U.S. Catho- lics - rather than visiting Medjugorje - come to Cuapa to pray: "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners..." Why Cuapa? Because Cuapa is part of the Central America where their coun- try has sought, over the span of the last ten years, a military "solution" which has cost the U.S. $20 billion but has only left the average Central American worse off economically than (s)he was in 1960, leaving 150,000 dead and over one million displaced. "Pray for us sinners..." takes on an urgency for the Arkansas pilgrim to Cuapa where the war has claimed local victims, but where the centuries-old real enemy of humanity - poverty - has yet to be fully engaged because the deci- sion to resort to violence, rather than to Gospel, is still unrepented: ten years of arming El Salvador, military bases for Honduras rather than child-nutrition programs. Those of your readers who feel some responsibility for repairing the damage done during the 1980s by excessive military spending world-wide can turn to Bread for the World (802 Rhode Island Ave. NE, Washington, DC, 20018) and ask about their "Harvest of Peace Resolution." It's a policy state- ment by which the U.S. Congress would set the nation on a new course for the 1990s by cutting military spending sig- nificantly and insisting that a peace dividend result and be used not just to reduce the deficit but also to repair the damage done to Central America. Is it do-able? PeOple of faith and Marian devotion pray in The Memo- rare: "Never was it known that anyone who implored your help., was left unaided." Would Mary leave us power- less to build a better world? Fr. Bernard A. Survil Managua, Nicaragua our ARKANSAS CATHOLIC